


Space Was Just a Word

by angellwings



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Confessions, F/M, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Post 9x08, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 20:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angellwings/pseuds/angellwings
Summary: A few weeks ago, she’d asked for space and Casey had given it to her. At one point, she thought they were on their way back to normal so she told him she was ready to start talking again. But here they are, a few weeks later, and back to square one.
Relationships: Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Comments: 42
Kudos: 172





	Space Was Just a Word

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** So I wasn’t gonna write a post 9x08 fic, but I browsed through a couple of prompt lists a few days ago and ran across three that spoke to me. I sat down with them in a word doc and out came _this_ , lol. 
> 
> Hopefully you guys like it!
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> xoxo
> 
> PS - I threw in a Silver Lining’s Playbook reference just for fun. Made up points to anyone who catches it!

******

_“I'm so perplexed,_

_On that, it's almost shocking._

_I know, I know you know you're scared._

_Your heart, your mind, your soul, your body,_

_They won't, they won't, they won't be careful,_

_But I guess that you don't know me._

_Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe,_

_Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space,_

_Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too,_

_**Close**.”_

_-Close by Nick Jonas feat Tove Lo_

******

This entire scene feels eerily familiar.

A few weeks ago, she’d asked for space and Casey had given it to her. At one point, she thought they were on their way back to normal so she told him she was ready to start talking again. But here they are, a few weeks later, and back to square one.

Yes, she blew up at him in the bunk room. Something she rarely did. But he deserved it. She didn’t almost ruin their friendship for him to sit on his ass and do nothing about the Gabby situation. Knowing that he doesn’t want her is hard, but watching him put himself through hell because he’s too selfless and stubborn is _worse_.

She wants him to be happy. He deserves that. Out of everyone in her life, he deserves happiness the most. It’s all she will ever want for him. She thought their initial conversation would have pushed him to pursue that happiness. She was wrong and ended up having to spell it out for him.

The last time she saw him was in that bunk room. She left him alone to think about her words and how he planned to act. He _needs_ to act. For himself if nothing else. He’s not moving on without Gabby. He’s been stuck for three years now. So maybe the key is him moving on _with_ Gabby — as much as that thought makes her chest ache.

Now, Matt’s at the bar, taking large sips of the whiskey Herrmann just brought to him, and staring her down. Unabashedly as if he doesn’t care who notices. 

Maybe he doesn’t.

But _she_ does. 

Especially since Greg is currently sitting across from her.

“Is everything okay between the two of you?” Grainger asks as he gives Casey a sideways glance. “You both seem... _tense_.”

She’s tense because Casey keeps staring at her.

She sighs and reaches across the table to squeeze Greg’s forearm. “I’ll be right back.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asks. “The guy’s wound pretty tight and I don’t know if—“

“Thank you,” she says with a reassuring smile. “But I’ll be fine. Casey’s harmless even if he’s going through something right now.”

Greg quirks a disbelieving brow at her but nods and stays in his seat. “If you say so. You know him better than I do.”

Her instinct to defend Casey rushes to surface at Grainger’s dry remark but she swallows it down. Yes, _she does_ know Matt better than Greg does. Thank you very much.

Instead, she throws a quick, “be right back!” over her shoulder as she marches toward Matt.

She sighs tiredly as she sits down next to him and speaks in a low voice. “Quit looking at me, you’re making me nervous.”

Matt blushes and knocks back the rest of his whiskey before addressing her. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You’re a million miles away from me now and I hate it.”

“This isn’t how I want things to be either, you know,” Sylvie informs him, nervously biting the inside of her cheek. “I want us to be friends, Matt.”

He nods and then swallows thickly, avoiding her eyes. “Is that all you want? To be _friends_?”

She can’t help the bitter laugh that escapes her at his question. “You’re still missing the entire point, aren’t you? This isn’t about what I want. It’s about what _you_ want. Decide you want her and then fight for her, Matt. I’m sure she’ll take you back. I can’t see why anyone wouldn’t. Recent issues aside, you’re a truly good man. Who wouldn’t want that?”

“What if Gabby’s not who I want?” He asks, meeting her eyes with a pointed stare.

“Matt, don’t. _Don’t_.”

“Why not? Why can’t I say that I might—“

“You make me want things I can’t have,” she says, cutting him off with a thick voice and a tearful gaze. “And I won’t do that anymore. Not for a ‘might’ or a ‘what if’ or an ‘I don’t know’. If you don’t know for certain then _please_ let it go. Let _me_ go. I’m starting to move on with someone who is sure he wants me and as much as I care about you...I deserve to know I’m someone’s first choice. So, if you can’t say it with confidence then don’t say it at all.”

“Sylvie, I—“

“I should get back to my date.”

“Wait, please,” he begs.

She freezes as she steps off the stool and blinks away her tears. She can’t go back to Greg looking as though she’s about to cry. 

“Wait for what?” She asks.

“I get now isn’t the time, but can we talk?” Matt croaks out the question with a noticeable bob of his Adam’s Apple. “ _Truly_ talk? Maybe later tonight?”

Greg has to leave early because he’s covering first shift at 40 tomorrow. She already told him she’d catch a ride home with Stella. If she were planning on hanging around Molly’s anyway then what could it hurt?

Greg said he’d be heading out around nine and it’s seven now. 

“Fine. I’ll come find you in a couple of hours. Deal?”

Matt nods and flashes her a soft relieved smile. “Deal.”

She squares her shoulders and inhales deeply, preparing herself to face Greg again. When she joins him at the table he gives her a careful once over.

“You okay?” He asks in concern.

“I’m fine,” she assures him. “We talked a little. He should be good for now. Sorry about that.”

“Alright, I know I told you that you don’t have to confess to me,” Grainger starts, furrowing his brow and glancing over at Matt before returning his eyes to hers. “And you still don’t but you said whatever happened was between something and nothing. I gotta tell you, Sylvie, it definitely doesn’t come across as nothing. So, I have to ask, am I in the middle here? Because you say I’m not but it _feels_ like I am.”

“There’s nothing for you to be in the middle of,” Sylvie explains, running a nervous hand through her hair. “Trust me, he’s in love with someone else. Has been for as long as I’ve known him.”

Grainger lets out a sound between a chuckle and a scoff. When Sylvie looks up at his face, he looks genuinely amused. “Damn, if the way he looks at you doesn’t mean he’s in love then I’m very curious to see how he looks at this other woman.”

“What—“

Greg’s face softens and his smile turns affectionate as he interrupts her question. “When we met up at Molly’s after I came by 51, you seemed surprised that I wanted to impress you. How is that possible? I know for a fact that I couldn’t have been more hopeless or obvious if I tried.”

“I don’t know. I told you. My luck with men has been truly abysmal lately so I guess I just assumed you were too sweet and cute to be interested in me. I’m...messy,” Sylvie states, shyly tucking her hair behind her ears.

He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest with a sympathetic but knowing smile. “You don’t think, maybe, you’ve been _assuming_ a few things about the Captain, too?” He lets her sit with that question for a moment before he continues. “Look, I really hate to be the one to point this out to you because...well, I have a vested interest in you and me working out, but I don’t want to be the guy that wins by default so I’m just gonna say it. _That man_ ,” Greg pauses and nods toward Matt as he still sits at the bar. “The one drowning his sorrows in whiskey and staring at you like you’re the only glass of water in the middle of the desert. He’s in love. Not with some woman I’ve never met, but with _you_. Maybe he’s an idiot who doesn’t know it, but he is. And if you even _think_ you might love him too then you should tell him that. Put the both of you out of your misery.”

“I—I’m not…” Her weak attempt to rebut his claims quickly turns into shocked sputtering. “I’m _not_ in love with him. I can’t be.”

“It’s adorable that you think you can control that kind of thing,” Greg replies, smiling sadly and reaching across the table to take her hand. He caresses his thumb over her knuckles tenderly. “Let me ask you something, how long ago would we have had to meet for me to avoid coming in second to Casey? I’m willing to bet you that whatever it is you two have started years ago. Am I right? It’s been building slowly?”

She seems to have lost the ability to speak so all she does is nod. It occurs to her that she’s conceding Greg’s point and all but admitting she’s in love with Matt but if anyone deserves the truth, it’s him. And he’s surprising her by how much he seems to have gleaned about the situation between her and Matt. He’s more perceptive than she realized.

“Then your man’s still playing catch up,” Greg tells her. “Give him a minute to adjust. He was probably so caught up in you that he fell before he knew what was happening. Can’t really blame him for that. You’re easy to get caught up in — in case you didn’t already know.”

She bites her bottom lip, guilt overwhelming her. She didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Not with Matt. Not with Greg. She’s just been trying to live her life in a way that might allow her to be happy. Happiness has been hard to find over the last three years or so.

“I’m sorry, Greg.”

He shakes his head and waves her off. “Stop. You don’t have to do that. You were straight with me from the start. I’m the one who decided none of that mattered and I don’t regret it. It was all worth it just to get to know you, Sylvie Brett.”

He smiles warmly and winks, but she can see the sadness behind it. She’s hurt him whether he admits it or not.

“I really do like you, Greg Grainger,” she tells him. “You’re possibly the most perfect man I’ve ever dated, and whoever you end up with is gonna be the luckiest woman in Chicago.”

“And to think,” he says with a teasing smirk. “That coulda been you.”

She chuckles through watery eyes and nods. “In another life where I wasn’t stupid enough to fall for my ex-best friend’s ex-husband, you definitely would have been the one. But I like to torture myself, apparently.”

He shrugs and sighs, looking wistful. “It’s worth it if it’s the right person. And, I hate to say it, but you and the Captain seem _right_ to me.” He drains the last of his beer and stands up, slipping on his jacket as he goes. “I should get out of here — give you two time to talk. Best of luck to you, Sylvie. I hope you get everything you want because that’s what you deserve.”

She falters for a moment, nearly dropping her glass of wine, as she remembers _very clearly_ the first person who ever said those words to her. One tear escapes and she hurriedly brushes it away before Grainger can notice. 

She forces her smile wider before replying to him. “You too.”

Her smile falls as she watches him walk away. How many perfectly good guys is she going to pass up for Casey? Is she making a mistake letting Greg walk away? There are things she wants out of life eventually and a family of her own has always been one of them. It’s hard to obtain that particular dream alone which is what she’ll always be if she can’t get over Matt.

But regardless of her feelings for Matt, she hasn’t been fair to Grainger. She did to him exactly what Matt is doing to her. Stella advised her to try dating and she did. Sure, they had fun for a little while but she’s not ready for anything more than a little fun with anyone right now.

Anyone _except_ Matt Casey.

Is Greg right? Will it help her to be honest with him even if she knows he doesn’t, and will never, feel the same? 

(While Greg’s assessment of her was right, his assessment of Matt wasn’t. It couldn’t have been. Or else why hadn’t Matt done something when she asked for space? Why had he said _I don’t know_ in response to her original question? Why had he told her he had real feelings for her as long as Gabby isn’t in the picture? If he’s in love with her and not Gabby then their current situation makes no sense to her. So, it can’t be true. Matt can’t be in love with her.)

She shouldn’t be in love with him, but she is. She can’t see how telling him will help but it’s the only thing she hasn’t tried. What other option does she have?

She gulps down the rest of her wine and then returns to her seat next to Matt at the bar.

“I thought you said two hours?” He asks in hopeful confusion.

She lifts her shoulders, feigning carelessness. “Plans changed. Do you want to talk in here, on the patio, or outside?”

He glances around the bar, no doubt spotting Gallo and Mackey along with Herrmann behind the bar, and then glances toward the front door. “Outside. If that’s okay with you?”

“I wouldn’t have given you the choice if it wasn’t,” she reminds him with a small smile.

She leads him outside. They head for the small alley next to Molly’s. If you follow it back far enough, it leads you to the dumpster and the patio gate. They stop just a few feet into the darkened side street and turn to face each other.

Matt wastes no time seizing his moment. “I’m sorry. I apologized to Grainger before last shift. I don’t know if he told you.”

He hadn’t but Sylvie nods like she knew. She isn’t surprised Matt would seek out Greg to apologize. It’s just the sort of man he is.

“But, even though I apologized to him, I still haven’t apologized to you. So, I’m sorry. I was an ass when he was at 51. There’s no excuse for that. He’s a good officer and my attitude was unwarranted. Thank you for pointing that out to me,” Matt says with a strained and contrite smile.

“That’s what friends do, Casey,” she replies, shaking her head to dismiss his apology. “They hold you accountable when you’re not being the best version of yourself. You don’t need to apologize to me.” She takes a beat to breathe deeply before forcing out her next statement. “All I want is for you to be happy so really the best apology you can give me is to figure out how to be happy and do something about it.”

That’s all true. She would never lie about that, but — _god_ — does she wish he could be happy with _her_. Why can’t she make him happy? Why wouldn’t she ever be enough? What is it about his love for Gabby that’s so much stronger and better than the love she feels for _him_?

“I’m trying,” Matt replies. “Right now, in fact.”

Her brow furrows and her eyes narrow. “I don’t understand. What does that mean?”

Casey’s shoulders sag and he gives her a disbelieving, almost frustrated, glance. “Am I really that bad at this?” He asks. “I know my answer to your first question was god awful and the conversation in my quarters after that was barely any better but...do you really not see it?”

“See what?” She asks, resisting the urge to huff in irritation. Why couldn’t he ever give her a clear straightforward answer to a question?

“You’re right. I’ve been on a downward spiral lately, Sylvie, but it’s had nothing to do with Gabby. I haven’t thought about her, let alone talked to her, since last fall. If I were going to spiral over her, I would have done it then. No, my short temper lately isn’t about Gabby.”

Okay, that’s better. It’s a little more forthcoming. Though, still confusing.

“It isn’t?”

“No,” Matt declares, stepping closer to her in the dim light. “I will always have love _for_ Gabby but I’m not in love with her. Not anymore. She and I were never going to work and we’re much happier living our separate lives. I love Chicago and my life here. This is where I want to be. Always.”

She can’t see his face, but she can feel his body heat. Her hope is rising and his nearness is more tempting than it should be. He’s not still in love with Gabby. That’s what he’s telling her. That can’t be right. She was so sure that he--

“All the shit answers I’ve given you, the bad attitude I’ve had lately, the stupid decisions that turned out to be mistakes -- those have all been about missing _you_ ,” he confesses. 

He shifts closer. She can feel his warmth seeping into her through her clothes. She wishes they were in a better lit area. She wants to see his eyes. His solemn blue eyes that never fail to pull her in.

“Not Gabby,” he repeats, as if he instinctively knows she needs the message drilled into her. “Only you, Sylvie. No one else.”

Her eyes start to water as an overwhelming mix of emotions fills her. “But you--you seemed fine while giving me space and I _saw you_ with that redhead from the billboard call. It seemed like you were moving on--”

She can see the back and forth motion of his head against the horrible way he’s backlit by the patio lights while he cuts her off. “Not moving on. I thought that’s what I was doing but it didn’t work. I spent every quiet moment with her thinking about you. _Wanting_ you. It fizzled out because she took one look at _me_ looking at you and knew what I was too slow to figure out for myself.”

Against her will, her body is drawn to his. She’s within centimeters of him before she has any idea she’s moving. Every molecule in her body is anticipating whatever he might reveal next.

He sighs hopelessly and then backs up one step, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“But you’re with Grainger so, respectfully, I won’t unload that on you right now,” He promises, not noticing the way everything in her immediately deflates. “I’m not trying to pressure you and persuade you. I just can’t stand the idea that you’re walking around thinking I’m tortured over _Gabby_ instead of _you_. That doesn’t seem right to me. You’re...you’re amazing. Stronger than you know and more patient than I deserve and a completely singular person with her own gifts and talents. You should know that without a doubt. No matter how much of an emotionally stunted idiot I am. Grainger’s a good guy. He seems to be blessed with the ability to use his words.” 

Matt chuckles darkly and shrugs. “That’s never been my strength. I can’t blame you for choosing him if I’m honest.”

“I didn’t,” Sylvie blurts, nearly slapping a hand over her mouth as the words pass over her lips. She didn’t mean to tell him that, but she couldn’t help herself.

“What?” He sounds breathless like the word got caught in an astounded exhale.

“We...we broke up,” she admits, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at her heeled ankle boots. “Don’t get me wrong, I liked him a lot and he’s a great guy.”

“But?” Matt prods expectantly.

“But he wasn’t you,” she says softly, heart beating wildly out of her chest. Her eyes water and her throat feels tight as she continues. “All I’ve wanted this entire time is _you_ , Matt. But I can’t be the runner up. I can’t be the person you settle for because you think you can’t have someone else. That would shred me to pieces and it would hover over me every moment we’re together so I--I had to ask and then when you said--”

“Yeah,” Matt interrupts, moving into her space again. “I fucked that up. I hadn’t thought about Gabby in months and I certainly wasn’t prepared to after having you wrapped around me. You knocked me off center. And, honestly, I’d never stopped to really dissect what I feel for you. I didn’t even know how or when I started to have feelings for you. I woke up one day and they were just _there_. Seeing you smile, making you laugh, just being near you -- it all suddenly felt like a vital part of my life. Supporting you, being let into your life...I’ve never felt anything like it before and I don’t think I ever will again. I knew all of that, but I’d never stopped and given those feelings a name. I should have been prepared to talk about it, but I wasn’t. That’s on me. But I just...I wanted to enjoy all those feelings and to enjoy you for as long as I could.”

Sylvie reaches across the space between them and wraps her hands around his wrists. She pulls his hands out of his pockets and threads her fingers through his. 

“Have you given those feelings a name now?” She asks, holding her breath once the question is in the air between them.

“Yes,” he answers simply.

“I’m not with Grainger,” she reminds him when he doesn’t elaborate. “You don’t have to be respectful of that anymore.”

For a moment all she can hear is the sound of him breathing, but then his hands tighten around hers and he lowers his forehead until it touches hers.

“I love you,” he murmurs softly, nudging his nose against hers. “I’m sorry. I should have figured it out a long time ago. I just got stuck.”

A bright uncontrollable smile takes over her face and joyful tears spill down her cheeks. “It’s okay.” Her voice is thick with tears. This is everything she’s been wanting for so long and she’d almost given up on it completely. “I don’t care how long it took you to figure it out. I’m just glad you finally did.”

“Does that mean that you--”

She nods against his forehead and closes her eyes tightly as she replies. “I love you too. I tried not to but it was no use. In a room full of people, you’re the only person I want.”

She hears a soft watery laugh before his hands release hers and encircle her waist, drawing her closer to him and further into the alley. “God, does that ever sound familiar. I don’t care what room we’re in or how crowded it is, I find you every time. I want you so much I can barely see anyone else.”

She feels her back hit the brick wall behind them and trails her hands up Matt’s arms until they pass his shoulders and neck to slip into his hair. “For someone who has such a hard time with words, you’re saying a lot of beautiful things.”

A hand leaves her waist to frame her face. She still can’t see him in the darkness but she doesn’t need to. The tenderness in his caress says just as much as his eyes ever could. “Someone pretty brilliant told me I should decide who I want and fight for her. Well, this is me fighting for _you_. Turns out, when I’m feeling desperate enough, the words find me. Who knew?”

A joyful laugh bubbles up out of her throat and it feels entirely too wonderful. She hasn’t laughed like that in _weeks_. Her vision is blurred with ecstatic tears as she lightly scrapes her nails over his scalp. “I missed you so much. You have no idea.”

“That’s where you're wrong,” he challenges, pressing her against the wall and ghosting his lips over hers. “I know exactly what you mean because I guarantee that, as much as you missed me, I missed you more.”

With a silent tear trailing down her cheek his lips meet hers again at long last and the feeling of his kiss is just as exquisite as she remembers. Soft and tender and yearning. Full of love and respect. It seems impossible but every touch and every press of his lips to hers leaves her feeling completely cherished and undeniably seen. She’s never had kisses convey so incredibly much and she can’t help but wonder how she went so long without knowing what it felt like to kiss Matt Casey.

The longer they kiss, with pauses to smile against each other's lips, the more she thinks she’ll never have to be without his particular brand of kisses ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts:  
> “Quit looking at me, you’re making me nervous.”  
> “You make me want things I can’t have.”  
> kiss prompt - kisses in the dark


End file.
